Here is the First in a (Probably) Series of Lists of Apologies

I am sorry for a number of things. In order to assuage the fairly remarkable amount of guilt I’ve accumulated over the years I will post public apologies for a lot of things, in no particular order and with no guarantee of sincerity.

• I’m sorry about being mean to the weird kid in third grade (I think his name was Jason? He would usually pretend that he was a velociraptor, which mostly resulted in him appearing to have very serious carpal tunnel syndrome and bad posture). I should have behaved better and not given into peer pressure
• I feel bad that I download a lot of music and also the New Harry Potter Book and usually do not give anybody money for these things
• I feel bad about hitting a childhood friend of mine in the eye with the antenna of a remote controlled car. He was making fun of my brother, and I had to put him in his place – he had no right because he had buckteeth and his mom picked out all of his clothes until he was like 12
• If I have made anybody cry who did not deserve it I would be sorry about that
• I am sorry about the time I listened to an Eminem song and found myself enjoying it. I hope you can forgive me
• I’m sorry that I locked the keys in a rental car when I was 6 and caused a hassle for my parents
• I am Very Sorry about That Thing I Used To Do a Few Years Ago That Nobody Knows About. That was terrible, I am very ashamed of that.
  
• I’m sorry about that car I may have scratched that one night at that one Chinese restaurant – I should have done a better job of parking.
• Sorry I said a sentence that made someone so unhappy that they had to drive their car around for awhile just because of it
• Most recently I am sorry that I let a nonprofit worker think that I actually cared to give her dumb cause money when in fact I simply did not have the heart to immediately say “I’m not interested thank you” because I felt bad about the fact that she had a pretty noticeable scar through her right eyebrow
  

Soon: That information about that typewriter!