Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Here are Two Similar Christmas Cards

It's That Day.

In the unlikely event that you knew me exactly three years ago, and were close enough to me to justify expending printer ink and card stock you might have gotten one of these way back in 2004. I have reason to believe, however, that nobody who checks this site had anything to do with me until spring of 2005 at the earliest, meaning that there's a good chance you missed out on this self-proclaimed triumph of Christmas-themed raster artwork:

Well, time has passed and the fact that I only really like to draw about 2 things in this world have led me to revisit the robotic Santa Clause depicted above, this time in the cold harsh world of Vectors.

Before anybody mentions it, yes I am aware that Futurama contains a character of remarkable similarity to this one, but I'd like to point out that 1) I came up with this independently (it is really not that original of an idea regardless), and 2) mine looks better.

Merry Christmas

Monday, December 24, 2007

What is it Like to go to Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve?

It’s probably not as bad as you’re imagining it to be. While malls and the like are swarmed with the hopelessly desperate and seasoned-out seasoners, the people you find at Wal-Mart forty minutes before it closes on Christmas eve are a quiet, doleful lot already resigned to their holiday failures. If the mob scene at malls are the war that ends the world, then the people at Wal-Mart the day before Christmas are the shuffling society that creeps out after the apocalypse. All the good food is long gone, and anything that could have ever been a bare necessity has been stripped from the shelves, like hurricane season in Florida. You can still find apple cider and deodorant though, so I came out ahead.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Here is some Information about Ohio

A lot of people have never been to Ohio, and as a result know very little about it. I used to be one of those people, but a cumulative stay of five months, two weeks, and three days over the course of the 2.5 years it’s been since moving here (two and a half years Jesus Christ are you serious?) has given me some information about this state that you may or may not be interested in. I have consolidated this information below in the form of questions and answers:

Q: Where is Ohio?
A: Ohio is near Kentucky and Indiana and also kind of Michigan.

Q: What kind of a place is Ohio?
A: The kind of place that makes Devo and decides presidential elections, and where some people but not too many people own dogs.

Q: What are some of Ohio’s better features?
A: It is mostly quiet, except for parts of some of the cities where it’s noisy and people shoot guns at you. Nobody comes to your door or calls your phone or bothers you if you don’t know anybody though.

Q: Are there museums?
A: Yes, it’s Ohio after all.

Q: Terrorism?
A: No.

Q: Do they call it Soda, or Pop?
A: Hard to say.

Q: What are the people there like?
A: Unremarkable. Hygienic.

Q: What’s the best thing about Ohio?
A: It’s always there if you need it.

Q: What’s the worst thing about Ohio?
A: It’s still there even if you don’t.

I hope that clears some things up.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

There Were Some Post-It Notes Lying Around

While I was at work today. I'd failed to bring my laptop along for company, so this wound up happening:

I know, I know, you've seen bullshit like this before, but at least I'm doing something festive, yeah?

Sunday, December 16, 2007

What did I Discover?

A kinetic water sculpture in the sink. So what if I spent what few waking hours I had today lying on a floor eating peanut butter while wanting for serotonin - at least this happened.

You're welcome, as usual.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Two Forty-Three A.M.

Just now a car drove past The Place. I could hear the techno music the car's stereo was playing loud and clear despite the fact that I am one floor up and one wall removed from the street. I can only assume all the doors and windows of the car were up and closed, as it is 29 degrees outside. This means that anyone in the car is experiencing a terrible genre of music at a tremendous volume, two factors that when combined present a serious danger to the listener's ears and numerous theoretical dangers to regions of their brain and soul. Do you think that man can create circumstances that even God finds intolerable?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I Don't Know What to Make of Our Radiators

I truly don’t. Never in my life have I come across a household device that, despite its benevolent function, is absolutely terrifying when put into use. I guess part of it has to do with a lack of experience with radiators. Coming from sensible parts of the country where houses were built closer in time to the information age than the industrial revolution I am accustomed to furnaces. Furnaces, as you may know, are a home heating method that use ducts and vents to ferry hot air to rooms in need of it. Radiators, on the other hand, are like hateful bike racks that live in corners of rooms serving no function other than to get hot and make terrifying noises. Let me use the word a third time in this paragraph: terrifying.

My issue with these things is not the fact that they fail miserably at what they’re supposed to do (make a space livably warm). That’s to be expected, as they can only heat the air immediately surrounding them, at which point said heated air immediately rises to the ceiling and becomes cool again. I get why radiators suck. What I don’t get is why they have to sound like they are furious with me whenever they are in sucky operation. On Monday I woke up scared, actually scared of the god damn hunk of metal in the room with me. It was clanking, and whistling, and hissing, and sighing. I didn’t know what to think, part of me was concerned that it was preparing to launch itself into space like some kind of steampunk Sputnik. Another part of me thought that maybe an angry badger was trapped inside it, a badger that could turn itself into vapor like the lamer Wonder Twin. It was very early in the morning, I will not try to defend my ideas. I now, however, have a greater appreciation for one of history’s worst films.

What I want to say here is fuck radiators.

Monday, December 3, 2007

What is the Weather Doing Right Now #8 (Special Good-Emergency Update)

I know how it must make you feel to have to read two consecutive information-pieces about the weather, and I assure you that it will not become typical. This is a special instance in which the meteorological happenings of my immediate surroundings are of interest to those who find Good Information to be a worthwhile pursuit. This is because it is snowing outside.

It snowed earlier today, but it was not the good kind (like you want). Now it is the good kind, the kind that makes itself malleable for the purposes of projectiles and effigies and sliding down inclines. also, the massive amounts of light pollution that Boston generates - pollution that is usually wasted by being sent uninterrupted into space - is trapped under the clouds and must bounce around and among the aforementioned precipitation. The result of this is a night time that has more light than most 5 p.m.'s of late, but with no one discernible source. I have not felt this positive about the weather in a long, long time, and so felt it necessary to make note of it for posterity, as tomorrow in the wan overcast light of day these things will probably be ushered away by rain and warmth, turned to unlovable slush. That is the way of things.


Here is that picture of small snowpeople I promised (and you requested).

Here's the whole story...