More Information from Airports

What you need to know offhand:

1. I'm at the airport
2. I'm wearing a tie that cost me $3.00
3. It is between 4:30 and 5:00 a.m. on Christmas eve
4. etc

Now, I was here (the same airport) three whole days ago, but I did not get to fly home. This is because of a Mistake (or, perhaps, a series of smaller mistakes, the likes of which don't need to be Capitalized). I overslept for a flight that was scheduled to leave at 7:45 on the Monday of this week. I woke up in my bed at 6:26 a.m. that day in front of my computer in a room in which all the lights were still on. I had not planned on falling asleep that night. My reasoning was that, were I to leave for the airport at the time I'd set for myself [5:15 (the math on this is: flight at 7:45 - 1h for security/bag-checking, - 1h to get to the airport via public transportation - 0.5h just-in-case-time = 5:15)] the least-unpleasant approach would be to not fall asleep at all in the first place. The math on this one: staying up until 4 a.m. is almost never terrible, but waking up at 5:15 a.m. - no matter when one falls asleep - is almost always awful.

So, why did I get into bed at all? Because it was really cold, and I have an electric blanket, and I am equally capable of operating a computer in bed as I am at a desk. But then the unthinkable happened, and I fell asleep. In bed.

Now, I was aware of and prepared of this possibility - I had set 3 alarms: one for 4:45, one for 5:00, and one for 5:15. All my bags were packed. I was wearing flight clothes. I was all set. Except that none of these alarms woke me up, and I regained consciousness at 6:26 a.m.

Listen: I can say, with some degree of certainty, that no human has ever so effectively exploded out of a house with a 40-pound roller-board in tow and so gracelessly rocketed down sidewalks that were all in various states (ranging from passable to intolerable) of snow-covered. I walked into the airport terminal at no later than 7:12 (the math on this, just in case you're not doing it in your head: 46 minutes from my bed to the terminal. In snow. From a dead sleep. That's Olympian. But it wasn't enough. It would be another 18 minutes before I reached the front of the baggage drop-off line, at which point I was informed that I was too late the check a bag, and also too late to be on the plane regardless. Sorry. Please go to the line on the right for assistance.

Ok: to the best of my memory I have never, while flying alone, missed a flight. Ever. In over a decade of solo air travel. So, I don't think I'm exaggerating when I liken this experience to Man being cast out of the Garden of Eden. While once I had lived in a perfect world, a world where I always got to where I was going, rarely considering any sort of alternative, a world where airline employees treated me with not-contempt, and where every boarding pass was used and no paper was wasted., now I lived in a wasteland. A Completely Ruined Hellhole.

Oh, the stinking, unbearable shame in having to make my way to the long line for the idiot-moron-degenerates of air travel. The line that, in addition to serving innocent souls whose flights had been canceled also existed for monsters like me who'd missed their flights, and - worst of all - the sort of slug-brained beings who were incapable of checking in for their flights before reaching the airport. Who are these people who don't check-in early? There was a family with about 9 huge bags spread over two huge carts, all dressed in holiday sweaters, forming an impassable human wall within the line. Despite their plans to travel to Bermuda, a trip I can only assume they had planned in advance, they did not bother to check in online, where checked baggage is cheaper and the whole process is less painful. Also, what were they even doing at the counter for domestic flights? Last time I checked (just now, because I wasn't sure) Bermuda is not part of the United States, not even a little bit. They got to go to Bermuda, and, when I got toe the front of the line, was told that I got to go to Cincinnati. In 3 days' time. At 5 in the morning.

So Here I am, finally. And here's what the line for security looked like from somewhere near the middle:


Anyway, Merry Christmas, you'll probably hear from me again before the year is out.

Here is the Most Boring Table in the World

I know short-form image-reliant-punchline-entries like these are what make a hundred teenagers endlessly refresh a hundred tumblrs and twittrs, but here I go, putting on on bloggr. Also damn, I ain't done a thing on this blog in a long old time.

Broadcasting from Home #2

This took longer to get together than I expected. Luckily I never committed to an update schedule.



The end of this story is that my video game console of choice broke two days after I drew this.

P.S. You know about Maslow, right?

Broadcasting from Home #1

Hey. I decided to do a comic for a little while. It's autobiographical, but try to find a better reason than that to dislike it. I hope to do a few, but we all know how I operate.

The real joke here is that Panel 3 has happened at least two more times.

O.H.I.O. (Oh Hey, In Ohio)

Hello again. Attentive readers are no doubt aware that it is occasionally customary for me to report on the happenings in the great state of Ohio when those happenings are available to me first-hand. I don’t suppose it would be right ignore tradition on this trip (we all know how I love traditions), but let me forewarn you: these facts will be hurled into the internet in no particular order and without any real attention to detail. This slapdash-edness can be blamed on both my refusal to imbue such unremarkable fare with a gripping narrative structure, and also on the three four Cuba Libres that have spent the last hour marching across my blood-brain barrier. “Whatever dude,” as the old saying goes.

First: a house down the street from my house was on fire for a little while a couple days ago. The consensus is that this is because lightning was striking everything in the immediate area like crazy, causing a ruckus and upsetting my family's cats (more on them later, probably). My mom and I, not being above the basic human instinct to see and breathe the problems of others free and clear of consequence or attacks of conscience, took a walk down the block to see what we could see.

here smoke can be seen coming from the house

Here is a firefighter


My house (not on fire)

WHAT ELSE HAPPENED?

I tried a Fast Food Restaurant for the First Time. For some people this is an unremarkable accomplishment, but some people spend all their time growing out their armpit hair in front of the TV instead of living life (Disclaimer: I also do this, but far less intentionally). I will not tell you the fast food chain I tried for the first time - instead you will find a picture of the item I consumed and you, the astute reader, will guess. This is how fun happens.


IN OTHER NEWS: I just got tired of writing this blog post! All other worthwhile information can be found below, condensed into bullet points for my convenience.

Additional Occurrences

• Got a new suit
• Drew This
• Pictures of Cats

Anyway, I'll be gone in nine hours.

Hello Again/What is On the Internet/My Future Musical Career

Allow me to forego the apologies I frequently make after months or more stretches of blog inactivity. Instead, allow me to direct your attention to something. But first: An introduction.

Like any place on the Internet where lonely people gather, yearning desperately to fill the hedonic vacuums of their lives, Amazon.com has a forum or - more accurately - a number of forums. I'm not going to bother explaining the organization of these forums because I do not know how many sub-forums there are, or how many people are on them, or what the thread counts are. All these statistics probably amount to a bunch, a lot, and too many, respectively, which is good enough for the purposes of this post. Now, Amazon's forums exist primarily as a location where customers can discuss products, an idea that sounds wholly reasonable when taken at face value. Amazon is a massive retailer of everything, asking questions of other people who own a product you're considering the purchase of makes sense, informed buying is wonderful, etc etc. The trouble is, of course, that no internet forum ever operates as it was intended to by those who arranged for its existence, like everything in the universe designed by Man or God internet forums function briefly before entropy takes over and destroys them entirely. So far I've told you nothing you don't already know.

But what if I told you that, while trying to compile a list of TV shows to order for a library, I found a thread on the Amazon.com customer discussion forums that has Changed My Life Entirely? I am telling you this right now. Let me show you:


Go ahead and click on that picture if you're having trouble reading it. The thread is here.

Okay.

Now, imagine an enormous stage at the center of a stadium filled with roaring, bloodthirsty Metal fans. Rising from behind the stage, 40-feet high on a projection screen, the image of a dog that is completely and unrepentantly on fire. A disembodied announcer's voice echoes off every surface of the colossal structure, until its words are barely decipherable to the thunderous throng in the bleachers: "Ladies and gentlemen: DOG CREMATION!"



And so it is settled. I will make the most popular metal band with a name originating from an Amazon.com customer forum ever. There are a few challenges I must overcome, it's true. An abbreviated list of them:

• Listen to a lot of metal music (difficulty: medium)
• Learn and understand the differences between the various Metal sub-genres (difficulty: hard)
• Find someone who can play the drums and who has his own drum set and who isn't hopelessly stupid (difficulty: Sisyphean)
• Buy a cool-looking guitar (difficulty: easy)
• Learn to play the cool-looking guitar really really really well (difficulty: impossible)
• Write awesome guitar stuff (difficulty: easy, probably)
• Write lyrics about the cost of setting a dog on fire (difficulty: N/A - it is already done, I just have to find the .txt file)
• Become enormously famous (difficulty: ?)

PROJECT DEADLINE: 7/14/2010.

The 3rd Annual Al Pacino Versus Robert Deniro Weekend

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!

AND

IN

All-Day Saturday at the Aerie Theater*

Lineup may include (in no particular order):

• Raging Bull
• Dog Day Afternoon
• Taxi Driver
• Scarface
• Mad Dog and Glory
• Glengarry Glen Ross
• Casino
• Scent of a Woman
• Cape Fear

Lineup will absolutely not include (because they suck):

• Heat
• Righteous Kill

Actual lineup will be much shorter due to the number of hours in a day, and the human body's natural inability to sit around for more than, like, eight straight hours doing nothing but staring at a screen.

If you're reading this, you're invited, but unless you're one of a very, very exclusive few (read: two) you're almost certainly going to fucking miss it god damn you.

p.s. If you're dying for a print of one or some of the posters I made then yes you can have one.




*this is just a room in my house




[UPDATE]

THIS YEAR'S WINNER IS AL PACINO. AL PACINO WINS THIS YEAR. TAKE THAT, ROBERT DENIRO.

The Final Lineup and awards for This Year:

• Dog Day Afternoon (AWESOME)
• Raging Bull (SPOUSAL ABUSETASTIC)
• Scarface (WAY FULL OF CUSSES)
• Mad Dog and Glory (BILL MURRYEST)
• Glengarry Glen Ross (HAD KEVIN SPACEY?)
• Taxi Driver (BEST "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?")